50 Q to free your mind. (46-50)

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Speak my mind more freely and stop second guessing myself.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Last night when I was laying in bed by myself.

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

My husband and yes I have.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

Probably not so much.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Some I am making for myself. Others are being made for me thanks to the United States Marine Corps

A promise.

A friend of mine posted this on her blog and it struck a cord with me. Everything written here is so true.

A Military Mans promise:

I cannot promise you every night of my life. I cannot promise to be beside you for every difficult moment, every trial, and every hardship. In truth, I can promise you that I will not be with you for most. I will leave you at inconvenient times. Any special date to us may be tainted with the anniversary of the death of one of my friends. I will ask you to take over whatever life we have built together for months and years at a time. And will then crash back into that life that you have used your sweat, your tears and your heartache to keep together, and try to take it back as I knew it before.

I will shut you out at times because it will be the best way for me to hold it together at that moment. I will lie to you. I will tell you I don't know things when I do. I will not always tell you where I am going, when I will be back, or who I am with. I may not call you for weeks and months and you will not be able to call me. You will ask questions that I won't answer. You will know answers to questions that you will hope you never need.

I will share things with my brothers that you will never understand. They will know things about me that you never will. They will be a support to me in some things that you cannot be. I will miss birthdays. I will miss anniversaries. I may need time to process things that seem natural to everyone else.

It will seem that someone - or something - will always take precedence over you.

I will uproot you and ask you to re-establish our family anywhere in the world, in any season, at any time - over and over again. Sand and mud will be tracked through your halls from the boots I am too tired to take off.

I will leave you when you beg me not to. I will stand at attention while you cry beside me. I will not turn my head and I will walk away. I will knowingly break your heart. And I will do it again - and again. I cannot promise you all of me. I cannot promise you much of anything.

But if you will have me, I can promise that as I march away from you, it is not without sharing your heartache. I promise you that every time I break your heart I will be breaking mine. Every time that I cannot answer you I will be protecting you. Whenever you want to call and you have no number to dial, I will be wanting to do the same. I will protect everything that we have created together with every fiber of my being while you do the same back at home. I will honor you in everything - every moment that we are apart and every moment that I am with you. I will fight harder and push further knowing that I do so for you. And I will carry you with me in everything, until my sandy boots once again sit just inside our door.

A Military Spouse's promise:

I cannot promise that I will not become frustrated when you leave me and the world seems to fall apart around me. I cannot promise that I will not curse those who sent you when the dryer breaks, and the transmission needs to be replaced, and the dog eats the couch all in the same week - most likely the week after you deploy. I cannot promise that the sand and mud that cakes my floor will not cause me to give you harsh looks and rude thoughts. I cannot promise that my heart will not be torn in twelve different ways when you march away from me. I cannot promise that I will not let my anger show when you refuse to answer questions. I cannot promise to understand why you share things with your comrades that you will not share with me. I cannot promise that there won’t be times when my heartache makes its presence known before my pride can mask it. I cannot promise that I will not show my worry and my concern when it is best for you not to see it. I cannot promise to understand why you do so many of the things you do.

I can promise that for as many tears of sadness and frustration and anger that are shed there will be double that of tears of pride. I can promise you that for every time you are away from me, I will learn to cherish the times that you are with me. In everything I will honor you and honor your sacrifice. I can promise to teach our children to do the same. I will use every moment that you are not with them to show them the amazing man that you are through my actions and my pride. I can promise that there will never be a night where you are not the subject of my final prayer and the keeper of my dreams. I promise to try to be understanding that there are many things I will never understand. I promise to keep you with me in everything and to do my best to keep grace in this life. I will be strong for you as you are strong for me and I will carry you with me in every moment until your sandy boots again sit just inside our door.

MilSpouse Fill in Friday

I want to go back to school to pursue my Masters in Social Work.

I have to clean my house because it's disgusting.

I wish could hire someone to clean my house for me.

I hope that my up coming trip is as much fun as I think it will be.

I wonder if my husband will call me soon. I miss his face.

50 Q to free your mind. (41-45)

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

Andrew, my mom, dad, step-mom, sisters, nephews, nieces, grandparents, Andrea, Missy, and Holly

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

No

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Being alive is just breathing and going through the motions. Truly living is enjoying what you do, taking risks, having adventures, sometimes failing, but always getting back up to try again.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

Before it's to late to do the right thing.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Because failure never feels good.

50 Q to free your mind. (36-40)

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

When your young and everything is black and white maybe, but as you get older things become gray and the lines become skewed.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

I don't currently have a job, so no.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Less work to do so that I can spend my time doing the things I enjoy.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Yes.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Never.

50 Q to free your mind. (31-35)

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

When Andrew got home for his 2 weeks of R&R.

If not now, then when?

Hopefully soon, but definitely not never.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Not to terribly much, you have to try to fail and if you fail you should rethink your plan and try again.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Yes

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Because you have to support what you believe in.

Wordless Wednesday.

All images were taken by Heartlove Photography

50 Q to free your mind. (26-30)

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

I think I would prefer to never be able to make new ones. I can't imagine a world where I can't remember meeting my husband in high school, our first date, first kiss, etc.

Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

No. I think that in order to know the truth you should challenge it and make sure you have your facts in a row.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

As far as I now I've never drowned.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

Not really and I guess not.

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

When I was little my grandpa used to let us smash coke cans with a sledge hammer that I'm pretty sure was just a rubber mallet, but he always called it a sledge hammer. It's special because it's just the everyday stuff my grandpa would do with us. I miss him so much some days.

Ten on Tuesday.

1. Today is Holly's baby shower. I should be getting ready, I guarantee you I am not. Good things I have understanding friends who don't care if my house is perfect.

2. I'm going to visit Andrea. I'm so excited I could pee, but I won't because I really like this chair.

3. Andrew's 2 weeks for R&R were WAY to short.

4. My nephew is the cutest kid on the planet. He is going to bed early so the sun can go see Uncle Andrew early so that Uncle Andrew can have more day to get the bad guys and come home sooner. Seriously, how sweet is

that (if you take out the killing people part).

5. Tango is protesting the fact that Andrew is gone. She does this every time he leaves. It always makes me laugh because she protests by not pooping. Yup you read that right the dog is refusing to poop. Not my problem, less poop for me to pick up and she's never exploded before so I doubt she will this time.

6. Munchkin often yells at me to go to bed when it gets to late and I'm still up. The sad part is I listen to her. My cat has set my bed time and usually between 11 and midnight.

7. I have been knitting and crocheting like a crazy person. I have tons of stuff I'm making for friends, family, and the holidays. What I really want to be doing is finishing the socks, mittens, and sweater I'm making for me.

8. I miss my family like crazy. I think it's because Andrew left so recently. I always miss my family more right after he leaves.

9.

10.

50 Q to free your mind. (21-25)

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Can't I be a joyful genius? I think I would be a joyful simpleton. I'd rather be happy and enjoy my family and friends then know everything and be constantly worried.

Why are you, you?

I am me because of the way I was raised, the beliefs that I have, and the decisions I have made.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

Most of the time. I will say there have been occasions where I haven't been the kind of friend a person needs, but I try my best to be there for my friends when they need me.

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

A good friend who moves away. It's hard to keep friendships going over a distance and it's even harder to have to do the things you used to do together by yourself.

What are you most grateful for?

My friends and family.

50 Q to free your mind. (16-20)

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

That's simple because everyone is different.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

I would love to scuba dive. It would be amazing to see all the reefs, fish, etc underwater. I will probably never learn though because I am ridiculously scared of drowning and don't know how to really swim.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Definitely. There are parts of my past that I still worry on when I'm feeling down even though there's nothing I can do to change it and I'm sure I'm the only one who remembers it.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Since we're military I'll exclude my home state because I feel it's given that I would like to live there. If I could live in any state I would choose two. I would live in Colorado in the spring/summer/fall because I love it there. I have my mom's family near by and the state is just gorgeous! Then in the winters I would live in SoCal where it's warm. I don't do snow.

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

I try to avoid elevators because I'm claustrophobic and the idea of being stuck in one (again) scares the bejeebers out of me. Though I will say if I have to take the elevator I totally jam the button repeatedly even though I now it doesn't speed things up.

50 Q to free your mind. (11-15)

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

This is a difficult one to answer. I would let the people know that it was my friend they were speaking about and then excuse myself from the table. I would like to think I would also defend my friend, but I'm not sure I would be able to offend people that I admire so much. I do know that my opinion of those people would be greatly changed and I would not respect or admire them anymore.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Be careful what you put out into the world because it will come back to you 10 fold when you least expect it.

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

If it was absolutely necessary, yes.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Definitely. I believe it's that sometimes I can't see the forest through the trees.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

When I'm in a deep sleep I frown. Like a deep, hard frown. You know the kind they say will give you wrinkles.

50 Q to free your mind. (7-10)

Ok, I know I sorta dropped off the face of the plant for a while. I promise I have an excuse! We had a hurricane, then I went home to LA, and best of all Andrew came home on R&R. More about all of that later though.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Right now, I'm sorta not doing anything. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. I have this awesome degree, but I can't find a job. I want to voluteer, but I'm holding myself back. I need to step it up and do something get a job that utilizes my degree, volunteer and build some experience, SOMETHING! I need to stop second guessing myself, build some self confidence and do something to change the things I don't like instead of just complaining about them.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I think I would have done somethings differently. I would have put more effort into my school work in college. I would have gotten an internship in something that would have benefitted me more than working in the psych lab did. The major things in my life though I wouldn't change. I love my husband, my family, and my friends. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I believe I have completely controlled my life and the course it has taken. I am where I am because of the choices I've made and I'm pretty happy here.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Doing the right thing.